I was feeling lost and confused. Struggling to make sense of what was going on in the world around me and the world inside me.

A message popped up from a friend offering a free one hour, online Coaching Session and I thought why not give it a go. If nothing else it will be lovely to catch up with her.

It was a powerful and deeply insightful experience. Through the space she expertly held for me, I came to a powerful realisation: that the experience I am going through is grief. This not only gave me solace, it also got me thinking and I decided to set these thought down in a blog.

Loss is a natural process and we experience many different losses throughout our lives. Some may be small and relatively insignificant – the loss of an umbrella, a parking space or an evening off – other losses are major and deeply meaningful, the loss of a loved one, of income or a special relationship.

Grief is our natural emotional response to this loss. And it’s important to allow ourselves to both acknowledge and experience this grief we feel.

We are currently experiencing a significant period of change and uncertainty. Everything is different and we have lost ‘normal’ life. Even though we know that the COVID-19 virus will eventually pass, we know that things will never be quite the same.

It is a time of profound and significant grief.

We are grieving for the way things used to be. We are grieving the loss of jobs, careers and incomes. We are grieving the loss of family, friends, neighbours and colleagues. We are grieving the loss of connection and community as we know it. We are grieving the loss of choice and personal freedom. We are grieving for the futures we had planned and the dreams that will no longer come true. We are grieving our sense of security, safety and certainty. Many of us are grieving our sense of identity.

What’s more, we’re not alone in our grief. There is no one unaffected in some way by the current situation. This means that we are grieving on both a personal and a global level. And we are not used to experiencing this kind of universal, collective grief.

It can feel as if there’s no respite, which makes us feel even more anxiety, panic or overwhelm.

Understanding the stages of grief

David Kessler and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified six stages of grief. These are - denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance and meaning.

It’s important to remember that these six stages aren’t a fixed process and may not happen in this exactly this order. What’s more, we may find ourselves moving in and out of different stages and at different speeds, some may only last briefly and others be experienced for far longer.

However, Kübler-Ross and Kessler have given us a useful guide to help us better understand what we’re going through during times of loss. When we notice, recognise and name the emotions we’re experiencing, we can start to feel less out of control and be more understanding. It’s like shining a light on the darkness.

Here are the six stages of grief and how they might relate to the current COVID-19 crisis:

• Denial: This is a big fuss about nothing. It won’t affect me.

• Anger: You’re making me stay home and destroying my business.

• Bargaining: Okay, I’ll social distance and self-isolate for three weeks and then everything will be alright again.

• Sadness: I don’t know how or when this will end.

• Acceptance, and we find control in acceptance, it’s where our power lies: This is happening and I have to find a way to carrying on. I will wash my hands for two minutes. I can practice social distancing. I can learn how to work in a new way.

• Meaning: I can connect with my loved ones through technology. They are not as remote as I thought. I appreciate taking walks in nature. I believe I will continue to find meaning now and when this is over.

Anxiety, panic and the fear of loss

Often times we have excessive anxiety or panic about things we fear losing. David Kessler calls this ‘anticipatory grief’. This is often when we begin to imagine the worst-case scenarios, such as I’ll never earn any money and will lose my home or My children will go hungry or My parents are going to get ill and die.

This is simply our mind working (too) hard and trying to keep us safe. So, the aim is not to ignore those images or to try to make them go away. This will actually make them worse, as you’re giving them your full attention which leads to rumination – in other words we get stuck in a vicious cycle of imaging the worst that could happen and feeling terrible. Which makes us worry more about the worst that could happen and we feel even more terrible. And so on. Round and round. Over and over.

Instead, we need to interrupt the pattern of thoughts to break the vicious cycle. We do this trying to find balance in the thoughts we are thinking. When you find yourself starting to focus on catastrophes or disasters, consciously say to yourself ‘STOP’ and choose instead to think of the best-case scenario: We all get a little unwell and life goes on. All my loved ones are OK because we’re all taking the right steps.

What’s more, we’re not trying to ignore either possibility, we’re just trying to find a sense of perspective. Realising that things are rarely every all ‘good’ or all ‘bad’. And that the reality lies somewhere between the two.

This will take practice but through repetition we are training ourselves to deal with our fear of loss in another way by learning to thinking differently.

Being human

Above all, make sure to be kind and patient - with yourself as well as with others. Accept that it’s normal to be experiencing grief and natural to feel anxious in these times.

Let yourself experience your emotions and acknowledge what you’re going through. Share your feelings, either with someone else or by writing them down.

Recognise that we all have different levels of fear and that our grief shows up in different ways – some people may feel tired and despondent, others manic and unable to sit still. Some people will get angry or irritable, others weepy or withdrawn.

Remember, this situation is new and so are many of the feelings your having; be willing to let go of judgement and seek first to understand.

Furthermore, it’s all too easy to forget in the midst of our grief and worry, that this current situation is only temporary. That however challenging it may now feel, it will pass. We may not know when or how but we do know that eventually it will pass.

s humans we have a wonderful ability to adapt to different ways of being and doing. That we will create a new ‘normal’.

When overwhelmed by a rush of emotions, I find great consolation in The Guest House, a poem written by the13th-century Persian poet, Rumi almost 800 years’ ago. I hope you do too.

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture.

Still, treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

In my next blog I will share some easy yet effective tips and techniques to help you handle feelings of anxiety, panic and overwhelm.

Thank you for reading.

References:

The beautiful friend and coach who helped me work out what was going on is www.aurielmajumdar.com

I had already started to write this article when I read an interview with grief expert, David Kessler in the Harvard Business Review (March 23, 2020) That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief. It really helped me clarify my thinking around this subject and I am once again grateful for his wonderful work in this area.

The Guest House, from Rumi: Selected Poems, trans Coleman Barks with John Moynce, A. J. Arberry, Reynold Nicholson (Penguin Books, 2004)